shaken awake as a sx/one-to-one 9~my current reality~

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with how deeply I merge with the closest people in my life. With projects I’m into, jobs I’ve worked at. Flowing through life with no anchor. I would describe myself as a hitchhiker at my unhealthiest. It’s embarrassing to admit and especially see it on text. I’ve been healing a lot lately and working on the way I show up in romantic relationships. Which to me is, working on myself. This isn’t conscious of course but when I’m writing this it’s pretty damn obvious and I hope it’s not this obvious to the people around me😂 it’s kind of like..

How can I heal my trauma so that this relationship that I completely identify with can be healthy. And some people might read this and think: wow that’s amazing!! And very unselfish of you!! But not necessarily, although that would be very flattering😝 but if you saw all the burning fires in other parts of my brain & life unrelated to the relationship you would be quite concerned honestly😂

Ive been on vacation with my boyfriend who I am insanely merged with. We’ve came to the conclusion that he’s a 6 which makes a creepy amount of sense considering my lifelong bff and my dad are 6s. My bf has been visiting his family which disclaimer obviously I have no issue with. BUT they don’t speak English so it was a little isolating. Long story short, I’d been shaken awake by leaving my comfort cave (my room) and having to share my boyfriend for the week, where I was stripped away from all my usual distractions or numbing techniques. This was no walk in the park y’all😂 I really was crying almost every day!! I was SO beyond embarrassed. I met his family and all I was doing was crying cuz I didn’t have anyone to connect with or technically lose myself in a convo with..and it reminded me of how much I lost myself in ANOTHER relationship. While I know I had every right to feel anxious and a little out of the loop, it was a little destabilizing because of how intense and unavoidable the feeling was, I couldn’t leave to go on my phone and doomscroll cuz I had no car and we were in MEXICO. I had nothing to fall into, whether that’s my phone like I mentioned, my bf or a conversation with somebody at the table. And because it was a first impression I obviously didn’t want to pull my phone out at the table while everyone was deeply engaged in a conversation.. And I’m a master dissociator okay?! But I COULDNT because I didn’t want to look insane and I wanted to make sure I caught if someone was trying to speak to me.. I will say though, that their lack of acknowledgement of my tears was actually extremely appreciated, I could just tell myself that no one noticed and I was invisible , which some might feel is depressing but because I was crying, there was nothing more comforting in that moment.

See I think I’m aware of stuff, which I believe I am, intellectually. But when it comes to being aware of my current state, feelings, thoughts, physical sensations in the present, I am very much unaware, and I think that’s a part of the type 9 core passion. But because I merge so deeply, it doesn’t feel like dissociation or laziness. It feels like-shaping my thoughts and life around a relationship/friendship which is so automatic. And the lazy part is that my existence beyond the relationship (goals, dreams, passions) aren’t focussed on and if they are, it’s so hard to stay fully awake in that, it’s painfully, uncomfortable.

So on this trip I was once again, shooken awake to my own existence beyond my relationship or my friendships or family. And let me tell you, it was deeply unsettling. I had a lot of mental breakdowns of anger, loneliness I just felt so lost. And another disclaimer, no one makes me do this. It’s just how I operate when unaware and if I’m with someone who’s more anxious or intense like a type 6 at times.. I merge even more deeply, everything is about not making them-anxious, upset, jealous, uncomfortable.. basically managing their emotions while being super unaware of my own😭 because how do you hold space for both? While you definitely can and I think most 9s do.... but it’s like knowing the difference between someone else’s emotions and your emotions. It’s draining and almost feels impossible, because that feels like our connection isn’t extremely smooth and forces me to see the space between us, and when I’ve fallen asleep to my wants and desires for so long and can almost make me feel resentful towards the other person.. which I DONT want to feel because then I’m uncomfortable and it has to get out by setting boundaries or sharing feelings(which is extremely hard if I’m not extremely angry) and since I naturally see the other person side first, i know they didn’t ask for this even if it feels like my responsibility all along, so how is that fair to be angry about, yk? This is seeming so draining, which probably means it is, which is why the rest of my life, dreams, goals , feelings outside of the relationship take the back seat.

Being conscious of my merging in real time has also been kind of a reality altering experience as well. I was laying in the tub the other night, and noticed myself trying to not be too loud cuz my bf was sleeping or wondering if he thought I would be in there too long, and when I realized this consciously in the moment I stopped myself and intentionally became present in my body and in my existence and of course the thoughts and feelings tied to him stopped.. but what was I left with? An empty,hollow slow motion like feeling. There’s nothing there? No urgency, no responsibility, but also no anxiety about managing my partners moods or thoughts with my existence. I obviously could only do that for a couple minutes then I went back on my phone and scrolled away😭 typical.

I know it won’t always feel this empty, it’s empty because I haven’t been intentionally filling it. But hopefully by being more present in my own life (although uncomfortable) will push me to make changes and pursue things that I know I want to do, even if it’s not directly tied to other people. And this little “authentic self expression” post is one of my little baby steps😁

I spent some time journaling the other night trying to figure out what makes me feel most like myself and alive. That took a long time just because I’ve been merged With at least one person my entire life. Which is why I called myself a hitch hiker.. it sounds so horrible😭 but let’s be real, I feel like 9s don’t get enough bluntness in the enneagram because they’re the “peacemakers” but it’s not just about other peoples peace, it’s about our peace. And if our top priority is others & our peace we can get stuck in situations where we don’t budge or make steps forward which I can imagine is really frustrating for those around me sometimes.

A huge part of me is dreading that I even woke up to this in such an intense way.. in a way that was completely unavoidable. Realizing it wasn’t just a tiny problem to ignore, it’s my entire existence that I’m forgetting , so there needs to be some awareness here, consistent awareness.